It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
