So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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