he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
