i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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