im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
