went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
