I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize