Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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