I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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