Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
