Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
