I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
