my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
