so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
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You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
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Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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