o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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