theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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