i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
