I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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