so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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