You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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