The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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