So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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