well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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