Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
