he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
