Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
