I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
