I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
