Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
