Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
