Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
where does the pee come out of this thing
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
