running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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