Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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