What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
