just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
