Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
