I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
