NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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