I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
