I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
