listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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