I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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