Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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