if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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