If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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