ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
