none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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