biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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