How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
