She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
