i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Is it because I queefed?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
