My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
