I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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