peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Randomize
