remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
