Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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