remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
