apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
