A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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