At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
